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Quickfire puns
What do you call a woman who stands between two goalposts? Annette.

How do you kill a circus? Go for the juggler.

What do you need to know to be an auctioneer? Lots

Why do Marxists drink green tea? Because proper tea is theft.

I went the butcher's.
He said to me, "I bet you a tenner you can't reach those two pieces of meat up there."
I said, "I'm not betting. The steaks are too high."

Two parrots sitting on a perch.
One asks, "Can you smell fish?"


TOMMY COOPER-esque non-seqiturs

This lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins.
It was a turtle disaster.

I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said "Tenpin"?
I said, "No. Permanent."

I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?"
The guy said, "Do you want an aquarium?"
I said, "I don't care what star sign it is."

I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it. I thought, "That's Aboriginal."

Batman came up to me and he hit me over the head with a vase
and he went T'PAU! I said "Don't you mean KAPOW?? He said "No, I've got china in my hand."

I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet. 'Best Before End'

I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said "Analogue?"
I said "No, just a watch."

I went into a shop and I said, "Can someone sell me a kettle."
The bloke said "Kenwood" I said, "Where is he then?"

My mate is in love with two schoolbags. He's bisatchel.

I went to the doctor. I said to him "I'm frightened of lapels."
He said, "You've got cholera."

I met the bloke who invented crosswords today.
I can't remember his name, it's P something T something R.

I was reading this book today, The History Of Glue.
I couldn't put it down.

I phoned the local ramblers club today, but the bloke who answered just went on and on.

The recruitment consultant asked me "What do you think of voluntary work??
I said "I wouldn't do it if you paid me."

I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener.
I said, "You don't need a tin opener to peel a banana."
He said, "No, this is for the custard."

This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper.
He said, "I want you to trace someone for me."

I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, "Are you having me on?"
I said, "Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything."

I phoned the local builders today.
I said to them "Can I have a skip outside my house?"
He said, "I'm not stopping you."

This cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says "Audi!"

I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, "Nearest the bull goes first"
He went "Baah" and I went "Moo."
He said "You're closest"

I was driving up the motorway and my boss phoned me and he told me I'd been promoted.
I was so shocked I swerved the car.
He phoned me again to say I'd been promoted even higher and I swerved again.
He then made me managing director and I went right off into a tree.
The police came and asked me what had happened. I said "I careered off the road"

I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It's tiny: you couldn't swing a cat in there.

I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the shoulders of a couple of vampires.
I was charged with shoplifting on two counts.

I bought a train ticket to France and the ticket seller said "Eurostar"
I said "Well I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin.”

I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits.
He said, "How flexible are you?"

"MEN! You can't live with 'em, you can't live with 'em."

Funeral gag 1
A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral. A huge 7-foot wide heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service.
Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.
At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said, "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own
funeral... I'm a gynaecologist!"
That's when the proctologist fainted.

Cool under pressure
A crowded flight was cancelled. A single agent was re-booking a long line of inconvenienced travellers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket on the counter and said "I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS." The agent replied, "I am sorry, sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but, I've got to help these folks first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out." The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?" Without hesitating, the agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone, "May I have your attention please, " she began, her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at Gate 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to Gate 14." With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the agent, gritted his teeth and swore "F*** You!". Without flinching, she smiled and said, I'm sorry sir, you'll have to get in line for that too!

"Grandma's Driving"
"The other day I went up to a local Christian bookstore and saw a "honk if you love Jesus" bumper sticker.
I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting, so I bought the sticker and put in on my bumper.
I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good He is and I didn't notice  that the light had changed.  It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed.
I found that LOTS of people love Jesus. Why, while I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking   like crazy, and when he leaned out of his window and screamed, "for the love of God, GO! GO!" What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus.
Everyone started honking! I just leaned out of my  window and started waving and smiling at all these loving people. I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love.  There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a sunny beach...
I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. When I asked my teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant, he said that it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something. Well, I've never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned  out the window and gave him the good luck sign back. My grandson burst out laughing, why even he was enjoying this religious experience.
A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me.  I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed. So, I waved to all my sisters and brothers grinning, and drove on through the intersection. I noticed I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and I felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared, so I slowed the car down, leaned out of the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away.  Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!"

Dead cert
This bloke is sitting reading his Daily Record newspaper when his wife sneaks up behind him and whacks him on the head with a frying pan.
Whit wis that fur?" he cries.
"That wis for the piece of paper in yir trooser pockets with the name Mary-Rose written oan it," said she.
Don't be daft," he explains, "two weeks ago when I went to the races Mary-Rose wis the name of one o' the horses I bet on."
She seems satisfied and apologises, and goes off to do work around the house.
Three days later he's again sitting in his chair reading when she nails him again with the frying pan, knocking him out cold.
When he comes around, he says, "whit the hell wis that fur?"
"Your horse phoned!" she said.

Peter Piper
A Glesga woman from Glasgow's west-end was staying in a hotel in Edinburgh, she phoned room service for some pepper.
"Black pepper, or white pepper?" asked the concierge.
"Toilet pepper!" yelled the woman!

Part
A wee Glesga boy comes home from school and tells his mother he's been given a part in the school play.
'Wonderful. Whit part is it?' she asks The boy says, 'I play the part of the Scottish husband.
The mother scowls and says, 'Go back an' tell that teacher you want a speaking part!

Apparently true
One day the Primary 1 teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class. She came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying to accumulate the building materials for his home.
She read, "...And so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said, Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?"
The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that man said?"
One little boy raised his hand and said,
 "I think he said F****** hell! A talking pig!'"
The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes

Touching
A wee Glesga woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in. The doctor arrived, examined the baby, checked his weight and found it somewhat below normal, and asked if the baby was breast fed or bottle fed.
"Breast fed," she replied.
"Well, strip down to your waist," the doctor ordered. She did. He pressed, kneaded, rolled, cupped, and pinched both breasts for a while in a detailed, rigorously thorough examination. Motioning to her to get dressed he said,
"No wonder this baby is under weight. You don't have any milk !"
I know," she said, "ah'm his Granny, but I'm glad I came!"

Flight cheek
A man boards an airliner, takes his seat, and is surprised to find a large purple parrot in the seat next to him. The aircraft takes off and a pretty flight attendant walks down the aisle past the man and his seat mate. "Hey, bit*h," says the parrot, "bring me a whiskey and soda, and make it snappy!"
The FA looks annoyed, but walks on. A minute later, she walks back up
the aisle, and the parrot pipes up again: "dam*it, you lazy whore, where's my whiskey? Hurry it up!" Visibly flustered, the FA hurries up the aisle and returns quickly with the parrot's drink. Impressed with the parrot's technique, the man decides to get some quick service for himself.
"Hey, slut," says the man, "get me a dry martini. And don't drag your sorry as* I want it right now!"
The FA turns red with anger and runs to the front of the plane. In a moment she returns with the First Officer and two burly male flight attendants. The crewmen seize the passenger and the parrot, jerk open the emergency door, and hurl them both out of the airplane at 20,000 feet.
As the two hurtle out the door, the parrot says to the man, "Ya know, for someone who can't fly, you got a lotta balls."

Twins
Brian's pregnant sister was in a terrible car accident and went into a deep coma.
After being in the coma for nearly six months, she wakes up and sees that she is no longer pregnant; frantically, she asks the doctor about her baby.
The doctor replies, "Ma'am, you had twins!..... A boy and a girl. The babies are fine now however they were poorly at birth and had to be christened immediately - your brother came in and named them.
The woman thinks to herself, "Oh suffering Jesus no, not me brother...he's a fecking clueless idiot.
Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor, "Well, what's my daughter's name?" "Denise," says the doctor.
The new mother is somewhat relieved "Wow, that's a beautiful name,
I guess I was wrong about my brother....I like Denise."
Then she asks, "What's the boy's name?"
"Denephew."

Please send jokes, tips, links and suggestions to us at Random Stuff. Cheers 

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